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  • Old Guy Student 11:50 pm on September 6, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , chronic healh issues, , Francis house, galaxy, , , , j3 orbit, j3 prime, , , , , , , , , safelink wireless, , tracfone   

    Changes 

    So today, I transitioned from North Auburn and the ICP House to Roseville and the Francis House, leaving behind the friends that I had made then became attached to. When this plan was initially being discussed last week, I didn’t think it should have this profound of an effect on me, that once I did it, that I would be feeling this way. It has triggered my anxiety and depression for reasons that I cannot fully explain. In trying to work through it, I thought that i would share a couple of the #instagram posts that i have made over the last six weeks while i work through some of the clutter in my mind.

    View this post on Instagram

    This truly creeps me out, like dolls because they are always evil or chaotic in the movies. Maybe I just watched too much #supernatural while smoking #matijuana and the power of all that #reefer implanted that fear in my head. Sadly, I am and have been #dankrupt for so long that I am almost afraid to #dab at #710 or smoke #mmj at #420 and I am not sure when it will end because my #prop215 expired. Is it even worth renewing it anymore? Is tere any benefit to having it now tat #prop65 and recreational weed is available in #california? Is there anyone in #placercounty or #northauburn who is feeling generous and would like to smoke a person out? It won't take much, like one hit would put me one #toke over the line. Sweet Jesus, I can imagine it.

    A post shared by Eegore Beaver (@oldguystudent) on

    So, I’m not sure that this is even going to work correctly by using the methods of in using, so I am going to test post it and see before I continue. The method works without having to actually use the #instagram website to generate embed code but also includes the description entered whenI shared the image. Just FYI, you clutc click the vertical ellipsis and select to copy the URL and then paste that URL in the Android App Editor and when you publish the post, WordPress does all the heavy lifting for you. There is a more convoluted method using the actual Instagram website through a web browser that letsyou generate the aforementioned embed code that lets you choose to not include the post description. At this juncture that’s too much work and would just add to my frustration. Leaving that in allows me to not have to include that for the photos in this post.

    View this post on Instagram

    A Bluejay feather caught in the English Ivy next to a heart shaped leaf, makes me hear Kurt crooning about being trapped on a heart shaped box which reminds me that nature is a whore. See, I'm the one who likes all Nirvana's pretty songs and I like to sing along, I even like to shoot my gun. I guess I know not what it means. Kinky isn't using a feather, kinky is using the entire damn chicken. I'm a #marijuana smoker, and an admitted #midnighttoker which makes me a #spacecowboy because #wedontsmokethesame since I am a bona fide #prop215 doctor's recommendation #mmjpatient who smokes at #420 and #710 everyday, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. When I'm not #dankrupt in #auburn #california #placercounty #nerd #samsung #j327t1 #samsunggalaxyJ3Prime #android #photography #photonmaster #instagram #spelunker

    A post shared by Eegore Beaver (@oldguystudent) on

    I’m really a patient and forgiving friendand it usually takes a lot for me to get riled up. I had a falling out with a longtime friend last year and when tryingso the above instagram post, I actually clicked the Facebook button where I saw a party by him and decided to message and apologize. He blocked me which is fine, considering that if anyone audited or friendship, I put far more in to it, gave them far more support and access to my limited resources then I ever got in return. The dismissal of how much the took for granted culminated in the kerfuffle that caused the rift in our friendship. Just suffice it to say that I a out several hundred dollars for various computer and electronics that i loaned them for entertainment for th adults and their kids. A Notebook, Thumbdrive and external hard drive that cost over a hundred dollars each a the time because they didn’t care enough to pick then up and they got kicked and broken. The keyboard on th notebook got so thrashed with food a other shit that combined with the missing and dysfunctional keys made the unit unusable. Add to it the amount time and wear and tear on my vehicle I got driving him around to do Door Dash so he could convert his rent and not become homeless like I was. All the trips to specialized grocey stores so that his wife and kids could eat pescatarian. So, in a way, I know I’m much better off without that relationship in my life.

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    If I had a religion, it would be similar to the Druids, who practiced dendrology or the worship of #trees. Not the #subreddit #trees where they discuss all things marijuana, rather the sub-reddit #marijuana where they discuss all things #tree. This is a Giant Coastal #Redwood, the mighty #Sequoia, the tallest tree in the world, located primarily in #Humboldt and #Encino counties in California and not to be confused with the redwoods in #yosemite which are the thickest trees in the world, wide enough to often drive a car through and there are several you can. There is a road in Humboldt called #TheAvenueOfTheGiants that snakes through the area where the last remaining stands of Coastal Redwoods survive in the county and it is aptly named and terribly depressing to realize how many of them were harvested for wood that is now more then likely been composted or burned, leaving nothing but carbon in its wake. This is a redwood tree in the front lawn of where I am staying and it looks like it might have been struck by lightening at one time, and as a result the base is significantly thicker then the top which reminds me if that #queen song about fat bottom girls. This is often caused by severe damage to the trees cambian layer, the layer that carries water and nutrients up and throughout the tree, just below the skin or bark. it's still a magnificent tree. I like the tree, because it has a face that stares back with a smile, do you see it? I am #dankrupt and have no #reefer to smoke at #420 or #dabs to do at #710, what's worse is that it robs me if my title of #midnighttoker and #spacecowboy keeps me from being able to #staylifted or achieve #orbit. This should not be a thing in the region near the #farmtobong capital, aka the #cityoftrees where #prop215 reigned supreme for 20 plus years giving rights to #mmjpatients in #california

    A post shared by Eegore Beaver (@oldguystudent) on

    One of the things that I knew i was going miss the most about leaving ICP Housewas the amazing front yard with redwood tree. The backyard was pretty amazing too with all of the dragon flies and humming birds. There were lots of humming birds. Although I am amused right now because an emergency vehicle went by and the neighbors dogs began yodeling and seemingly singing along which put a grin on my face.

    The one thing about all of these picturesis that they are taken with a very low priced, entry level Samsung Ggalaxy J3 Smartphone camera. The J3 Prime from 2017 and the J3 Orbit from 2018. This goes a long way to stroke my ego and show that it’s not nescarily the camera and is always more dependent on the photographer.

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    This image comes from boredom and the frustration of not having a decent #slrcamera or even a #pointandshoot camera so I am left with using this #samsung #j3prime #android #smartphone to capture #photons and thereby create #artforthesakeofart. #photography is my #art and I'm a #nerd who can find #beauty in almost anything and everything. There is a pawn shop that has a cool point and shoot that I'm hoping to be able to earn enough cash to acquire, wish me luck. My lack of a decent camera is made more acute by my being #dankrupt and that means no #marijuana to smoke at #420 and no #reefer for #710 no being a #midnighttoker and you can't be a #spacecowboy when your grounded here on earth. It makes it impossible to #staylifted when you don't have any way to take off. I'm here in the Sierra Foothills of Auburn, the #placercounty seat wishing that I had dinner of that devil's lettuce that #California is most famous for.

    A post shared by Eegore Beaver (@oldguystudent) on

    You can make almost anything look amazingamazing using the full range of features available in various editing apps on Android. This Fly looks really cool, way more cool then the initial photograph that I captured where you could see the hair on my leg up close and grossly personal. Using multiple editors to crop, change levels and add effects and frames and overlays turned out in to this.

    The amount of hilarious fun you can have with otherwise normal, boring and mundane photographs is unlimited. One of my housemates, who was from England ate boiled eggs every day and one day, I took this pictureand then when trying to make it more interesting, came up with the idea to add the faces to them and this was the result. She thought it was hilarious.

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    I was outside satiating my #nicotine addiction, thanks to the generosity of a housemate who is also an addict and like me is recovering from a serious health problem that resulted in back surgery. That's one of the unique things about good people in the situation we are in, being both economically and housing challenged with serious health issues, there is empathy and a shared kinship that often manifests in sharing the few resources that one has with someone who doesn't. Then again, it's always been that way with cigarettes and tobacco had been the bane of this nation since the first colony at Roanoke that ultimately led to the failure of the colony. #marijuana is like that and the #prop215 community in #norcal showed me time and time again how generous and amazing they could be. How many of them were truly in it to produce and distribute something they believed helped other people, who tried to produce the best #reefer for their #mmjpatients to smoke at #420 or dab at #710. Just look at who I follow and who follows me to see exactly what I mean, these are the people I admire, the people I would seek out army seshes to let them know that they mattered to me and that I appreciated and respected what they were trying to do and actually accomplished. #staylifted my friends and have fun tonight at the #supersesh!!!

    A post shared by Eegore Beaver (@oldguystudent) on

    When I saw this insect that is a part the first time, it was because the house monitor pointed them out to me and explained they were eating the leaves of the plants in his garden. He told me that they were smart and fled when they saw him looking at them, which this one did when he saw me trying to take it’s picture. I was faster and better at taking the picture then it was at escaping unseen.

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    This is my morning companion, hanging upside down about 6 to 8 inches above the ground between two of the green table legs of the stretched metal porch table on the back porch. This #spider is a very deadly #arachnid, of the #blackwidow correction #brownwidow variety so determined by the #hourglass or bowtie red shape on the abdomen. I am pretty sure my housemates aren't going to beer happy about it and still probably still too kill it, I would have years ago but I got over the #arachnophobia that drove me to do such horrendous things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stoned on #marijuana with the #reefer causing me to think my name is Wilbur. No amount of celebrating #420 or #710 can cause me to be that high. This image was taken using the #samsung #galaxy #j3orbit and a 750 lumen #Milwaukee rechargeable #redlithium flashlight and a #walmart #hypertough 1200 lumen #task1200l flashlight to provide additional indirect lighting along with the built in flash because the sun wasn't high enough in the sky at the time. Enjoy. You're Welcome! #photography #android #8.0 #oreo #smartphone #nerd #icphouse

    A post shared by Eegore Beaver (@oldguystudent) on

    I used to suffer from acute arachnophobia but with the assistanceof my ex-wife and the desire to overcome it, I have able to do just that. This is a Brown Widow that decided to hang out while I had coffee yesterday morning. Right after I took the picture, it disappeared and I packed my shit up and went inside. I’m stupid.

    This image took me hours to capture properly because of the clouds and the inherent limitations of the smartphone Camera and the Manual mode on the Samsung Galaxy Camera ssoftware. That bright dot off to the left is, of course, Jupiter.

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    So, I moved from the #ICPHouse in #auburn to #roseville and the #FrancisHouse. This is the #Tosy dancing robot and boombox speaker called the #DiscoRobo that I scored from #goodwill several months ago for less than ten dollars and sells for about $80 online. She's dancing to #Eminem and the song #3am which is hilarious and wrong in so many ways. I'm trying not to let change taint my emotions which is difficult because of the stress of meeting new people triggers my social anxiety. It took me a while off going to #prop215 shows to finally get the courage to talk to vendors and other #mmjpatients there. @calvinandglobbes triggered it when he approached me and told me how hard I had him laughing that morning over something that I posted. I'm trying not to miss my former housemates, the house, my routine or the amazing dinners. I'm still ##dankrupt with nothing to medicate with at #420 or #710 and without #reefer to take the edge of the social anxiety it's driving me insane. Thankfully I have @eminem to get me through it all. Enjoy the robot send the music and I'll try and figure out some more things to post and entertain you. I just wish that I had a camera to use that had better functionality than the camera on my smartphone so that I could lose myself in the magic that is taking pictures.

    A post shared by Eegore Beaver (@oldguystudent) on

    This one speaks for itself. An acquaintance, who I used to consider a friend has one of my cameras and I save been trying to get it back from him for several months and he always had an excuse why he couldn’t get it. Then he made me think he was going to bring it to me on Saturday and stopped answering and never showed up. I stopped calling after the second attempt and messaging when I told him I had given up calling and now messaging. He called me early on Tuesday and said he would call me back within the hour and would ensure that I got it that day. Same thing, no answer or response to text messages. I have decided that I won’t ever get it back and therefore I’m not going call or message him again. That’snot to say I am going to not answer if he wants to call me but I’m going tell him off the bat his word has no value in what he says is untrustworthy. I’m not going to be a jerk about it or be rude because that could make him feel justified and I want him to feel embarrassed and ashamed by acting let down and disappointed. This works better with people and dogs than anger and aggression.

    So, I have worked through the anxiety and depression and need to find a beverage to cure my cottonmouth and get rid of the nasty taste in my mouth. I also need to take my evening medication and eat something. I’m truly going to miss the meals the house monitor at ICP House prepared for us each evening.

     
  • Old Guy Student 8:56 pm on August 23, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , corporate philanthropy, , , interim care program, , , , , Sutter medical group,   

    Saying Thank You. 

    So, after an acquaintance told me.how they were able to get off the street and find permanent housing, I decided that the next time I had the opportunity, that I would try and follow the same path. When I realized that I had developed cellulitis again and that I was also suffering from congestive heart failure, I chose to go to Roseville Hospital instead of the horrible Mercy San Juan Medical Center. Since Placer County has better programs to assist the homeless than Sacramento County has. I was able to get in to the Interim Care Program where I have been staying at the ICP House for the last four weeks and I mentioned to the director how grateful I was for this opportunity and he said that I should write s something so he can send it on to the people at Sutter who actually pony up the money that funds the program. The image below is a picture of the email message that I sent him to forward on to Sutter.

    Saying Thank You

    There are many barely literate people who would say something about it being too long and they didn’t read it. I am fairly certain it is because they can barely read and the process is difficult, reminds them of their illiteracy and therefore they would rather not do it. This is being sent by people who communicate regularly and frequently by email and won’t even bat an eyelash over the length which will look different in a computer screen then it does on a smartphone. By saying thank you, it will encourage the powers behind the checkbook to continue picking up the tab and could have the added effect of loosening the purse strings so that they increase the amount they are paying for someone to be in the program.a

     
  • Old Guy Student 4:37 pm on August 21, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: acquaintances, , , , , chronic illness, disabled, , heart problems, heroine, , meth, methamphetamine, , , shady   

    Intelligence Addiction 

    When I became Homeless, I was forced by the necessity if the situation to interact with other homeless people primarily because common social etiquette and decorum dictates that when someone approaches and speaks to you in a polite, civil manner, that you respond in kind. Not responding or responding in a rude or condescending manner can and often does trigger an extrem extremely hostile, negative response often tinged with the threat of violence. Since I was living in my car, and it was a distinctive red color and easily identifiable, this could paint a target on me where the person decides to take advantage of the situation when they find me sleeping somewhere. Many of the people I chose to interact with on a regular basis were genuine, kind and mostly an asset but for everyone of those kind of people, I would encounter two or three that can only be described as dirt-bags or scum-bags or my least favorite, the Fucktard. Which category that they fit in to was completely dependent on their mental health, substance use, substance abuse and addictions because not all addicts are the same nor do all addictions cause people to behave in the same way.

    The three main substances that drive the addicts are tobacco, alcohol, methamphetamine, and opiates with each one having a different level and effect on the addict with tobacco, followed closely by alcohol are the substances that are the least likely to cause extreme behavioral issues. The majority of the opiate addicts graduate from prescription pain medication to heroine rather quickly because it is cheaper and easier to acquire. Wherever you can find methamphetamine, you can usually also find heroine which are often referred to as White and Black respectively. Methamphetamine is also commonly referred to as Shit and both are sometimes collectively referred to as Work. Do you have any Shit? or I have Work I’m trying to sell or trade being examples of how those terms are commonly used.

    Not everyone who commonly used methamphetamine is truly addicted while everyone who regularly uses heroine is addicted to it. How the addict or casual user consumes the drug often determines how intensely the addiction changes their personality driving their behavior. You will often hear someone say “I’m a smoker, not a poker” or “I’m a poker not a smoker” to refer to how they consume methamphetamine or heroine. Those who smoke are way less intense usually then those who poke which is probably directly related to the level that is consumed at a given time. Smoking doesn’t deliver as much to the body and thus the brain as does poking a needle in to a vein and injecting it directly in to the blood stream. This has the added effect of making the high, the behavior and the withdrawal significantly more intense. Thia definitely makes the undesirable and untrustworthy behavior more pronounced. Most heroine addicts who poke, almost immediately begin to get consumed with the next fix as soon as the initial euphoria begins to wear off. If that were not enough of a problem there are some heroine addicts who’s use of that substance isn’t mutually exclusive with many doing what us referred to as a dirty shot where they have mixed methamphetamine in with the black. Regardless of how they consume it, heroine addicts are extremely s etctlf-centered, selfish and have a penchance for extremely shady and dishonest behavior, the kind where they will steal anything from anyone that they think can help them score their next fix. Seeing an addict go through withdrawal, what they refer to as being dope sick can easily provide a bit of understanding to why this is.

    Methamphetamine users, often referred to as tweakers, tend to get obsessed with something that drives their attention and behavior while they are high and it is usually based around the same thing that motivates the heroine addicts, scoring the next fix. The intensity of how hard they are tweaking is totally dependent upon how long they have been awake, how much they have consumed and the method of consumption with pokers being at the extreme end of the spectrum. No matter how hard they are tweaking or how they consume, on average methamphetamine users rarely come close to being as dishonest, untrustworthy and shady as those who poke the black stuff.

    I am a voyeur by nature, I enjoy observing people and I have seen multiple people prepare shots of all varieties, white, black and dirty. I have also watched a few actually do the poking and am always left in awe about how little attention they pay to sterility and the purity of what they are poking in to their veins. I have yet to encounter a poker who cleans and or uses something to sterilize what they use to mix the shot, the syringe they are reusing or the skin where they are injecting. This often has given me the heebeejeebies as I have watched someone use some of the liquid at the bottom of my beverage after I have consumed it to mix the shot. It could be from a Starbucks Iced Coffee or a fountain soda but it doesn’t matter to them. I have seen someone use a piece of a dirty cigarette filter as the “cotton” they use to pull the shot through, out of the cooker where they mixed the shot. Methamphetamine will dissolve in water and a shot can just be stirred to mix it with the liquid. Heroine requires the water to be heated to soften the black so that it will then mix with the liquid. The heroine addict will save and reuse the cotton multiple times, often “washing” it with liquid to try and squeeze another shot out of it to ease the symptoms of being dope sick. It amazes me that they don’t get severely sick or have horrible infections far more often.

    T is a white smoker, and the most extreme addict that I have ever had regular interactions with. He is always chasing his next fix or another source to supply white in the hopes of getting a better deal, a larger, heavier sack for his buck. I used to think he could be trusted, was relatively honest and didn’t do shady and dishonest shit until recently. In retrospect, I realize he has always been this way and I was just naive to reality. It explains why he has so many people who dislike him or are openly hostile towards him, because of things he has done to them in the past. I learned that this past weekend when he gave me a ride to a friend’s house so I could retrieve some clothes I had stored there. It was over 108 degrees in Sacramento on Friday and he knows about my hospitalization and my health issues. He even commented on how heavy and labored my breathing was after I got in the car, which I explained was entirely caused by the intensity of the heat index. When I exited the car, he told me not to take forever and I explained I had no intention of doing this and that I would be back as fast as I could. I explained I had to grab some clothes and other items. I was in the house less than ten minutes and as I was exiting the house carrying two bags, he was already halfway down the street leaving. Ultimately he turned around and came back about five minutes later but the stress caused my heart to begin pounding and my bood pressure to skyrocket because my wallet, limited cash, wifi phone and bus pass were in the car that was driving off.

    When I retrieved the duffel bag of clothes from the house and sat it by the car, I asked him if he could open the trunk and help me put my shit in the trunk. As he was opening the trunk, he smiled at me and asked if I had any shit. I almost lost it, bit my tongue and explained that I hadn’t had any since before I went to the hospital and that I had no desire to possess or use it again. I explained I was a casual user who used it when I became Homeless to stay awake because sleeping was dangerous and often resulted in my stuff getting stolen. His addiction and my generosity, I often had it but didn’t use it and gave it to him freely, excited him that I might have his next fix. I wanted to yell that I wouldn’t give or even sell him shit after the stunt he just pulled.

    T’s girlfriend, M lives in a trailer in a trailer park on the cusp of Citrus Heights. When i met him and her, she lived with her mother there and he lived in a RV that she had purchased for him to recover from prostate cancer. I became good friends with her mother, who enjoyed conversing with me and telling me what Citrus Heights and North Highlands was like in the 70’s and early 80’s. M & T and I had a falling out because T was running a rolling tweaker paradise of a meth house in the RV with a horde of addicted tweakers trying to secure regular access and those with regular access trying to run things like some rolling lord of the flies experiment. We didn’t talk for about three months and when T approached me, to extend an olive branch, it was to tell me that my friend, M’s mom had passed away and that’s how we reconnected.

    I needed a house address to send a copy of my American Express Bluebird Card and M said that I could send it to the trailer park, which i did while I was in the hospital. I confirmed with her that it had arrived a week before I went to Sacramento to retrieve it. When I we got to her house, they couldn’t find it and weren’t overly concerned about it.

    Out of necessity, I had to leave two of the bags that I had retrieved from.my friends house because the heat had drained me too much to be able to carry all of it on the bus and then carry it from bus stop to my house. The bag with the most valuable items was secured with combination luggage locks and previously I had told T the combinations but there really shouldn’t have been any reason to open the bag. He messaged me Sunday night telling me something in the bag was beeping and if I didn’t make it stop, or provide him th3 combination that he would cut the lock off. Keep in mind the bags were supposed to be left in the trunk of M’s car, which would have made it impossible to hear any beeping. Not that there really could have been anything in there that was beeping, since it hadn’t been touched in more then two months. See, I knew he was tweaking and curiosity made him want to see what was in the bag and the locks thwarted him because he couldn’t remember me telling him the code. I gave him the code, after I explained how shallow his beeping claim was and how shady his behavior was. I went on to tell him how fucked up it was that they still hadn’t found the Bluebird Card and that when it was missing, that he offered to let me use his PayPal card after inquiring how my money my sister was going to send me. It is Wednesday and they still haven’t found the card nor has he told me what was beeping in the bag.

    T is the poster child for Dunning-Kruger, someone who thinks they are way smarter then they are. On Friday, a mutual friend exited the car and drove off with a friend because he had some tasks he needed to accomplish. This friend had offered to get T a ten sack, and when this happened before he got it, T lost it. He tried to blame me for the mutual friends leaving, saying that I took too long getting the clothes, and that the friend was angry at me. I laughed at him and told him bluntly that he was full of shit and a fucking idiot. He then drove around for ten more minutes trying to think of a source for a ten sack and looking for people he knew who might have one. After I said what I did about the beeping, the bag and Bluebird Card, he said that he used all.his gas driving me around. my response was to tell him he was fucking retarded.

     
  • Old Guy Student 3:13 am on August 10, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , animal lover, , cats, , , , , midnight toner, , , , , , , , space cowboy   

    Pussy Loves Me 

    Ever since I was a toddler, domestic animals, and in particular dogs and cats have seen to have an affinity for me and single me out of the crowd. The problem is that it’s not just domestic animals, one time, on a school field trip to the Baltimore Zoo, they were allowing the Ostrich to walk around the picnic area, it singled me out and took the tuna fish sandwich my grandmother had made me as it seemed to menace me in the most unfriendly and disturbing manner. Even at that age, I knew that a bird that big could truly Fuck you up in the worst way because they are the descendents of dinosaurs and raptors in particular.

    When it comes to cats, my ex- wife wanted to adopt this black cat from a rescue group that had him on display at the Pet’s Mart in Lincoln where she worked as the Pet Care Manager. So, I took the kids and we went to meet the cat and when the worker brought him in and sat him on the floor, it was as if he knew I was the decision maker and totally ignored my kids who were calling to him and trying to lure him over to them and jumped up on the bench next to me purring like an American Muscle Car or a well tuned Harley. He knew what he was doing because I signed the adoption papers and paid them the re-homing fee and arranged for my ex-wife to bring him home when she was finished her shift.

    This is Maxie and she belongs to Robert, the ICP House resident monitor who takes care of all the house ground keeping, keeps the kitchen stocked and supervises the residents and prepares dinner for us everday. She has decided that I’m the go-to when she can’t find Robert and she gives me an ear full when this occurs. This happened this morning when Robert was late filling her now empty bowl with food and providing her with fresh water. You would have thought it had been weeks, instead of a few hours by the amount if whining and bitching she did to let me know just how displeased she was and how inappropriate this situation was and that the status quo of her being the queen of the villa must be maintained if she was going to single handedly prevent a return if the bubonic plague by keeping the rodent population in check. That’s her story and she was sticking to it, had I seen any rats or mice? No? Then she was doing her job and us hairless apes, with opposable thumbs had better do ours and fill her bowls in a timely manner.

     
  • Old Guy Student 4:20 pm on August 8, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , dankrupt, diabetic, , , mmjpatient, obesity epidemic, pain, , , , type 2 diabetes   

    Gentleness 

    In The hospital, they checked my blood four times a day, before each meal and then again before bed time each night. That nurse would inquire, asking which finger I wanted them to jab to retrieve the small drop of good that was required for the test. Must usual response was to hold up the middle finger and grin which could seem to implicate something completely different then they interpreted, that this was the finger that I wanted them to use. Sometimes, I could see in their eyes and facial expressions that they understood that there could very well be two different and valid interpretations for my actions and that both interpretations could be completely valid at the same time. I could very well be saying Fuck you and use this finger because they didn’t conflict and actually one enhanced the other. I did this because when they applied the lancet and it punctured my skin, it hurt in the same way as getting stung by an insect.

    Now, that I have to check it on my own and I’m the one responsible for collecting the blood sample, I have taken the time to learn the most gentle, least painful and traumatic method for using the lancet. Most times, I can do it and barely feel it, if I feel it at all and thankfully the meter only requires the smallest droplet of blood to get an accurate reading.

    I love that I have figured this out, because my finger tips were always a bit tender in the hospital, which made doing tasks where I had to grip small, rough edges tightly, an uncomfortable task. I hate having to do it, but it has to be done in order to keep control of the disease.

     
  • Old Guy Student 1:44 pm on August 4, 2019 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: bees, hassleblad, insects, Kodak, moto-mod, Motorola z force, nature, , pictures, Samsung galaxy s8,   

    Biological Imperative 

    All life on planet earth has one single biological imperative, to make copies of it’s DNA, thus passing on the most favorable traits to the offspring. Fitness is a measure if this ability to make copies of their DNA. All around us, from animals, to insects and plants, everything is having sex. As we slowly orbit the Sun, and the calendar progresses to the fall equinox and the time for the harvest, one could easily forget that the fruit being harvested is the result of plant sex and that flowers are plant genitalia. Many do not realize that bees, that help carry the pollen from the male plant to the female are involved in the sexual act of that plant.

    This is the first time since I was 8 years old that I have been completely without a SLR type film camera, or fairly nice digital camera and it’s because some asshole decided he needed everything that I owned to buy methamphetamine and took them from me while I was trying to do something nice and generous for him.

    The Kodak camera used above cost about $6 at Goodwill and I am sure the person who donated it never got photographs like this, because they require that you know how to operate not just the zoom, but also the manual settings for the camera. The things that you learn using film and a manual SLR. While it might have been able to have been captured with the automatic settings, it wouldn’t have been as sharp and clear.

    Then there is this image of the full moon, which would have just been a bright white circle with the automatic settings of the camera and require a that you truly understand the manual settings and took me a bit of time to get just right and then a little bit of time to manipulate the various values using Google Photos limited built in editor. I take a lot of pictures, randomly throughout the day and when I see the moon, it usually gets a snap or two simply because it’s so amazingly beautiful to me.

    While smartphone cameras have come a long way, the has a lens with moving glass for zooming and focus. This is clear to see in the image above taken on a 5 or so year old Kodak digital camera which was used to take all of the other pictures in this article that were not taken with the Samsung Galaxy S8. The moving glass is why I really want a other Motorola Z Force phone and the Hassleblad Moto-Mod.

    Yes, Lady Bug Sex. It’s real and this is how they do it, because they are still driven by the same biological imperative as a 14 year old teenager in the midst of puberty.

    Some species do it back to back and this picture makes it look like a spectator sport. I wonder if that’s another male and he is just waiting his turn? This is how my warped mind works and this is my blog for this incredibly disturbing Sunday to try and add a little humor to the current tragedies.

     
  • Old Guy Student 7:40 pm on August 1, 2019 Permalink | Reply  

    Jumping Through Hoops 

    When you go to a county Department of Human Assistance office, it’s a lengthy process that seems designed to make the person who is applying spend time waiting in the hopes that they will just give up and quit before they have completed the process without gaining any access to those entitlement benefits. The prices also seems to have procedures that appear to be designed to make the person feel like they are doing stupid tricks like a dog, jumping through a hoop in order to obtain the promised treat. Placer County now also collects photographic and fingerprint information from applicants under the auspices of fraud prevention, to stop people from exercising multiple applications and that this information will not be used anywhere else or shared with any other agency or entity.

    This may be totally true, but keep in mind that it was illegal to use a social security number for identification purposes or to store it in abt commercial data information storage and retrieval system, especially like those used by banks and credit card companies use today. This ban was written in to the original social security actor that was ratified and passed by both the Senate and the House before being signed by the sitting president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt as part of his New Deal.

    We see how well that worked and how well it kept the number from being used by banks and credit card companies and by credit reporting agencies. How long until this database its used for other purposes?

     
  • Old Guy Student 7:20 am on May 17, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , companionship, crazy, , drugs, , , , hunger, , relationship, street people, survival   

    Skid Row 

    When I moved in with an acquaintance that I mistakenly labeled my friend in January, I knew that ultimately it would probably not work out and that when I left it would probably be the end of our friendship because this always happens in situations like mine. I could never have foreseen thst the reason I would have to move out would be caused by something that my ex-wife had done during our divorce that created a record in my background that looks like an eviction. So, after having living there for about three months, I moved out like I told him that I would when I was told by the landlord that I didn’t qualify to live there. I had honestly though that my doing that would maintain the friendship because it would absolve him from any repercussions from my staying there. I never thought he would use the methods Mormon Adults often use to chastise and manipulate their youbg adults to convince then to control them. See, the Mormon use a technique where they cut the person off from all contact or any assistance which is spread throughout friends and family to isolate the person in an attempt to get the person to beg to be forgiven and agree to do whatever it is that the person who started this wants them to do. The fucked up part in this is that there wasn’t anything he wanted me to do that I didn’t do, he just didn’t think I did it fast enough. I really couldn’t understand why he acted the way he did and it made things worse in some respects because it tried to sabotage other relationships by telling them that o said things I didn’t. Going so far as to tell my best friend, who has health issues that make her susceptible to the way Jarom was trying to manipulate her and she wouldn’t talk to me for a few days. So when he finally cut all ties with me, he thought he still had her ear and that he would completely isolate me from everyone who would help.me and that ultimately this would drive me to do whatever he asked to get back in his good graces and obtain his friendship.and help. What he didn’t know is that in the time between him making her stop talking to me and then, she and I had started talking again because she realized what he had done. See, she knew I had never lied to her and that I don’t really work that way.l, since he basically told her I said she was working against me. The depression from having to move out combined with the stress of everything surrounding it combined with my not talking to her drove me to where I avoided everyone and everything for more than a week. Then I decided to go find friends that I hadn’t been able to talk to since I had moved in to the apartment.

    Leprekon was the first and as I began looking for my friends, I seemed to keep coming up empty because they were where I was looking for then when and where I was looking for then. Then I found my friend Ell and she smiled and was so happy to see me that she hugged me. I won’t mention that there wss drama that ultimately had her arrested in an outstanding warrant for FTA or Failure To Appear while we were talking. I took her backpack to her friend’s house and left the area because the cops are so heavily patrolling the neighborhood and seem to like to ticket the homeless and those who Pan handle. Although I don’t pan handle and try to keep a low profile when I am talking to the homeless people I know. What I really wanted to do was find my buddy Jon but couldn’t seem to be at the same time.and place as he was even if I waited at the location for a few hours.

    Friday, after I had finished with the attempt to help that chick get in to rehab and she had been taken to the ER in an.ambulance, I decided to stay in that area. The next morning, after I got breakfast, I found Jon where I had been looking for him before. When he saw my car and saw me, the smile on his face was genuine as was mine. We quickly caught up and he listened as I told him about my recent adventures with the drink chick and how it had all left me depressed. He asked if I would give him a ride to do some chores and I agreed. Afterwards, I was in the same spot and another friend, Adam came by and he also had a genuine smile and seemed like he was glad to see me. It was the realization that suddenly made my depression disappear because I knew it wasn’t me or.my fault that she didn’t call me.

    Then I ran in to Ell and she listened to my adventures with the drink chick and when I mentioned that she couldn’t bad mouth me and say anything negative about how i treated the drink chick while she was with me, responded that she knew I treated her like a princess because that’s how I treated her. I replied that I did this absolutely for the sex and she smiled and indicated she knew that was totally not true. When I explained I was sad that she didn’t call me, Ell said she didn’t deserve me as a friend. This made my night and we talked about the crazy man and then parted company.

    I was telling my buddy Chris about the drunk chick and that I had met her through Leprekon and he asked a few questions and realized he knew who she was. As the coversation progressed I told him about being in and out of the hospital with staph infections and he confided in need that he had several on his arm and body. They truly looked bad and I sternly indicated he needed to go to the ER, because it can be deadly. He assured me he was going to go that night. I saw him for the first time in a few days tonight and he explained he had been to the hospital and spent two days getting IV antibiotics and that he almost lost his arm and the doctor said a day or so at most and he would have. Here thanked me for convincing him to go because he wouldn’t have otherwise and that would have killed him. So when he says he needed seven dollars for a hotel room, I offered him the four dollars that I had in cash for gasoline. I know what it is like to get released from the hospital and the need for a shower and bed to sleep in. He was surprised I offered it and promised to give it back to me. I explained that I would appreciate that but at the same time, even if he doesn’t, it’s not going to be something I would get overly upset over. Sure, it complicates my life right now since that was gas money I needed to put in my tank, but this was someone who needed it a bit more and he promised to call me in the morning so I can take a shower. That’s a bonus in and of itself, plus he said I could bring Neal. Neal and I have known each other for a while and we have an implicit trust and understanding that transcends material possessions and this stems for how we think of the other. Since he knows he can use anything I own and simply has to express a desire or a need and he feels the same way about his stuff. So or friendship has continued to get stronger and stronger. He let me know to nights ago that he was in Roseville and it was cold and he was lacking a jacket and on a bike, so I drive to Roseville and picked him and the bike up and we went so that I could get a jacket that I loaned to Dave when I kicked him out of my car so that I could go on this errand to get Neal. When we got back, Dave wasn’t anywhere to be found until the next m morning. Once I the exchange happened we went to find Leprekon and hung out with him for a while.

    It was the realization that I had other friends who better understand what I am going through and have been around me long enough to know who I really am and what I am really about. All of those people we’re glad to see me.

    Then tonight, I got to hang out with this chick that I have always thought was cool and now think it’s amazing. We say and smoked marijuana and talked for a couple of hours and I told her a lier little about the drunk chick because she had heard I was depressed and wanted to know why, so I told her. She is so much more then she let’s on or shares with other people because it’s a safety mechanism and a reflexive behavior designed to deter physical abuse. It was awesome to see who she really is, behind the shell and past the facade she uses to keep people at a distance. I told her how awesome I thought she was and that I didn’t buy the stupid act anymore and hadn’t for a while now. She smiled and seemed happy that I not only believed that but told her that I believed that.

    I’m still not sure we I am going out how I am going to get there, I am pretty sure there is no road map and neither Google Assistant, Cortana, Bixby, Alexa or Siri can find directions which is a relief and reinforces that neither did my former roommate. This knowledge makes me feel better because it’s just another reason to consider him s douche nozzel.

    When I saw Leprekon yesterday, he tried to tell me that he warned me about the drunk chick thinking this would somehow make me feel better. He then said that even as a friend because she was always causing drama and drinking to the point of needing to visit the hospital. He also said he doubted that her shrink had raped her and I explained I knew it wss true because I found the news articles and court transcripts. I didn’t tell him that she had given me all of the information I would need to find most of it with a Google search. One of the things that helped me Excel let IT support was my ability to understand what was wrong with w computer and then Google a solution or search Microsoft for a solution. So when she gave me the information to find a news story, I used that to get everything. I then told him that what take bothered me was that she didn’t call me when she was getting our of the hospital not when she saw Leprekon. He told me she asked where I was and says she wanted hey pills but I told her you left them with hey on the gurney when they took her to the ER. See, I’m pretty sure she knew that and that she was trying to get him to call me without having to ask for my number and that Leprekon didn’t catch this before responding. I am hoping in the next couple of days to run in to her so that I can see how she reacts when she sees me and acts towards me after we are together face to face in a situation where I can ask her questions answered properly guage her body language and posture as she answers them. I suspect that I am not completely wrong and that she was trying to get sober to keep from fucking things up between us. If this is the case, then I have to absolutely think about the concept of helping her through rehab. Unfortunately I suspect that if I don’t do this very soon, it may be too late because she will have forgotten her motivation or drank too much she go to the hospital again. I won’t deny that I really like her and that it’s all based upon the attraction and how I feel around her when she is sober and we are talking and interacting. I am pretty sure she didn’t just give me all the information about herself that she did to everyone else she had met because they would have used it against her. I’m also sure that some of the stories of people mistreating her are exaggerated they aren’t all that way and that means that she really doesn’t have many people she can trust and none that she knows that come closer to me because I didn’t ask for anything and I treated her how I always treat my friends and even further by testing hey how I always treat women and women I am dating. Or as Ell said, like a princess. Yes, I am obsessing and it may be because I am crushing hard but that doesn’t mean that I am letting it cloud my judgement or bong me to anything. It just makes me want to ensure that I don’t give up by throwing in the towel to early and losing out on the possibility that she really is as in to me as she said several times. I haven’t been near internet for the majority of the last few days because I have been trying to be scarce and invisible which is difficult if you’re where everybody knows you. It’s partially depression and partially having to do errands and help people do errands to make cash for gasoline and tobacco. I meed to start getting people who I roll cigarettes for to contribute change towards papers and tobacco because it’s not free and everyone seems to ask and think they are.

     
    • slartyblog 9:46 pm on May 17, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      I really liked what of this I could understand, but it had so many typos I couldn’t understand a fair portion of it. U have friends in low places. Let that b a springboard! 1 of the 1st things that happened to me when I became homeless in ’91, is I got ripped off on a $60.00 loan, so maybe that’s why I’ve not been the friendliest to the homeless, or the friendliest homeless person. Please get to replying to my posts. The hours getting late.

      Like

  • Old Guy Student 7:55 pm on May 13, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , alone, , , , , , lifeisnotamovie, , , , , rehab,   

    Pretty Woman 

    Long before the movie with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere there was the song by Roy Orbison and remade by one of my all-time favorite bands, Van Halen. This song has everything and nothing to do with the movie and the movie sort of has everything and nothing to do with this post. See Leprekon introduced me to this chick and the moment I laid eyes on her, I was smitten. She looked so sad and forlorn standing there and it cost nothing to fulfill his request for me to help her. So, after I was done helping her, we hung out for the rest of the day and through the night and most of the next day. That’s when she told me she was detoxing and needed to go to the hospital and asked me to call 911, which of course, I wasn’t about to do. Instead, I offered to drive her and then drove her to the hospital. As we we’re driving, she was in and out of consciousness which scared me to the point it was all I could do to focus on driving her safely. She had said she wanted to the hospital because ahe was afeaid of dying and people have died from the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal which is what detoxing actually is. When we got to the hospital, she let me help her out of the car and then collapsed next to my car and was completely unresponsive, even when in desperation, i dumped ice water on her. I was in a panic and trying to figure out what to do when an ER nurse saw me. She then had other medical professionals come with a gurney and they loaded her on. As they were loading her on the gurney they seemed to recognize her and began using her proper name. One of the males in blue scrubs said he recognized her by the brown New Balance sneakers.

    I waited for an hour in the ER until they told me they were admitting her and wouldn’t allow her visitors at the moment until they stabilized her condition. When I got back to my car, I realized she had left a bag of her personal belongings in my car and I kind of felt obligated to make sure she got them back. See, if the roles were reversed, I would hope that someone would do the same for me and give me back my stuff when I was released from the hospital. That’s basically how I operate, I try and treat people the way I would want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot. From our conversations, I realized that other people in my present position in the past had instead used situations like this where they were in possession of her stuff to take advantage of her and steal her things. When I told Leprekon what had happened he said that this is what always seems to happen with her and that I should distance myself from her because she was a crazy bitch. I grew up with two different alcoholic stepfathers and a mother who was addicted to pain medications for about 40 years before she overdosed in 2011. At one of the group homes several of the kids were recovering addicts and I learned how the struggle with addiction and the bad behaviors it causes can manifest. Most of the kids the various group homes were broken from abuse neglect and because of this they often displayed mental health issues that manifested in behaviors that developed as a response to the mental and physical abuse they encountered at home. It was difficult learn to separate the negative behaviors from the child who in many cases were often not cognizant of them and they weren’t consciously doing them. Instead the cause was defensive and in response to what they percieved as a threat. I am addicted to nicotine and cigarettes in particular. I have tried to quit and successfully quit several times, only to find myself going back when things got stressful. My own struggles combined by what I learned about addiction in the health class I had to take for my anthropology degree made me realize that it’s truly a mental disease and that addicts aren’t always in complete and total control of their actions. Since we don’t blame cancer patients for cancer or for having bad days after chemotherapy, we really can’t blame the addicts for their addiction or the bad behaviors they exhibit that are directly and indirectly caused by their addiction because no one sets out to become an addict. This is much the same way that I had to learn to deal with my son’s behaviors which are caused by his having Asperger’s and getting angry with him for those behaviors is counter productive and causes more damage and harm then good. Instead the best way to deal with those behaviors is to explain why they are wrong and cannot be tolerated and why he should strive to change his reactions and actions rather then shouting, chastising and punishing him. I just wish I would have learned this sooner when he was younger because I think it would have gone a long way to strengthening our relationship and lowered both of our frustration levels.

    Like every alcoholic, when she was sober during our time hanging out, it was the bee’s knees and we had a blast just talking and getting to know each other. The moment she began to drink, her attitude and mannerisms would slowly begin change as the alcohol lowered her inhibitions and the negative things that drove her to seek solace in drinking to numb those memories that began to haunt her thoughts. Slowly as her level of intoxication increased the warm and sweet woman began to be replaced by angry, aggressive and bitchy drunk woman while her behavior became more and more erratic.

    I could have left her at the hospital and never talked to her again but she left a bag of important stuff in my car and like I said before, I really liked her and was attracted to her. Part of me felt sorry for her, because she seemed to have nothing and no one who truly cared about her as a person. So I called the next day and she seemed genuinely pleased that I called and told me to call back. When I called back later, she seemed calmer, more rational and sane then she was just before I dropped her off.

    I then called her on Friday afternoon, two days after I took her to the hospital and she told me that she was being released. I told her I would pick her up and she hesitated and then said ok. This should have been a clue that she already had a plan or that something else was going on, but i just dismissed it without thinking about it too much. We had agreed to meet in the emergency room parking lot and when arrived, i waited about half an hour without her making an appearance, so I then called the hospital to inquire about her. The hospital informed me that she had already left and when I asked about how long ago this had happened, they said it had been about half an hour. When we talked on the phone, She had told me that she was planning on walking from the hospital to her storage. So when I left the hospital, I slowly drove the route that she should have walked if she was following that plan and didn’t see any sign of her along the route. So, i decided to parked across the street from her storage in a shopping center where she would see my car and I could keep watch for her if and when she finally made it to her storage.

    When I saw her walking towards her storage a few minutes later, she casually waved and smiled and disappeared in to the storage unit, or so I thought. She didn’t reappear for what seemed like an incredibly long period of time and was all smiles and happiness. She hugged me and thanked me for being her friend and for acting like a friend should act. We drove to Jack In The Box, so I could use the restroom and she pulled out a dollar and some change and asked me to buy her a beer. I hesitated and she said it would be only one, which I knew was true because I had no cash to buy any more alcohol and neither did she apparently. I explained that things had to change because I couldn’t handle any more of the drama she seemed to cause when she was drunk nor did I ever want to have to go through the stress and sadness I experienced dropping her off at the hospital. She smiled and said she guessed it was time to sober up. So, against my better judgement, I went and got her the alcohol she wanted, some nasty malt beverage in a can.

    When I got back to the car and she began drinking the beer, she asked if I could play music and we could go somewhere like a park so that we could just sit and hangout while listening to music. I then went to the restroom and after filled my cup with ice and water from the soda fountain before returning to the car. In the time I had been gone, which was around ten minutes at most, her intoxication level had seemed to increase to the point where she was acting more erratic, and babbling in a way that seemed almost insane. Curious, I decided to see how far down the rabbit hole she was going and realized I needed to get her somewhere where she would be less stressed and reminded of the recent bullshit she had been through. This would hopefully make her less likely to act out and draw unwanted attention to herself and ultimately me because I hate dealing with law enforcement and try my hardest to avoid it at all costs. So I began the drive to a park that I like to frequent between Antelope and Roseville. During the drive, she must have picked up on my annoyance and she was looking for something to get triggered over but I refused to give it to her. She told me to take her home when we were almost at the park and I refused explaining I didn’t want to waste the precious gasoline and was going to visit the park and she could just sit in the car if she didn’t want to enjoy a walk in the park.

    When we got closer to the park, she marveled at the beauty of the trees and lanscaping along the road to the park. Once at the park she got excited and said it was beautiful and thanked me for taking her there. We got out and began walking and when I wanted to take a path that branched off the main path, because there was a fallen tree by the creek we could sit on, she balked. We walked maybe a hundred feet more and she said she needed to sit down and did so right on the path. She told me to go have fun, so I walked about a hundred feet away to see the creek and take some pictures of wild flowers, all the while keeping an eye on her and making sure she was ok. So when she waved to me, I walked back over and she told me she wanted to sleep and I said I would take her home as I helped her to her feet.

    Ever since her attitude began to change and she started displaying erratic behavior she had been hinting at me being part of some grand conspiracy who was working in concert with those who had taken advantage of her. This is a common side effect of prolonged alcohol addiction and high levels of consumption. It should have been a clue that she had already consumed a significant amount of alcohol before I got her the beer and therefore prepared me for what she was going to do and how things were going to proceed that evening. There was another car parked beside the road in front of mine when we got back to the car with a man and woman sitting in it. Instead of getting in the car, she approached them and said something that I couldn’t hear from my position in the driver’s seat of my car. She stepped back and then returned to my car and got in as the other car sped off. At this point her behavior had gotten so erratic that I was beginning to make the plans on my mind to divest myself of her company because I didn’t want to be involved with that kind of drama because it almost always ends with interactions with law enforcement.. She must have sensed that I was put out with her because she said in a dead serious, matter of fact tone that I was her best friend and maybe the best friend she had had in decades. The sincerity wasn’t forced and the genuineness of the response seemed real, like she wasn’t as afraid of me taking advantage of her as she was me just abandoning her. So, I swallowed my rebuke and told her I needed to get some food.

    We stopped at WinCo and I left her in the car, because she said she didn’t want to go in. When I returned to the car, I was irritated because she wasn’t in the car and had left her stuff again and I didn’t see her anywhere. Just before I had committed to the decision to leave, I saw her walk past the car, seemingly oblivious to the car and me sitting in it, glaring at her. As I was deciding on leaving her or just moving to another spot in the parking lot, she returned to the car where she demanded I take her home. Then suddenly she had to go to the bathroom and before I could say anything she got out, closed the door and began sliding down to a squat while trying to push her pants down far enough so pee. She then struggled back to her feet and pulled her now wet pants back up and got in. I swallowed the rebuke for her getting in my car and sitting on the seats with her now wet pants. Once again this should have been a clue that she had consumed far more alcohol then I realized but I was stressed from her behavior and was trying to figure out how to extricate myself from her company without being a dick about it because I truly didn’t want to hurt her feelings or cause her more emotional pain because I knew she wasn’t completely in control of all her faculties. Drunk people rarely are and addicts have even less real control.

    I wasn’t able to get food at the WinCo, for some reason the transaction wouldn’t go through on my card even though I knew there were available funds and as a result I just left the food at the self check-out as I exited the store. I was incredibly hungry and realized it had been about eight hours since I had last eaten and I needed to change that so I changed course to go to the 99 Cents Only store, where I knew my card would work because it had worked there this morning. When I returned to the car with my meager collection of food, she once again suggested I was part of some conspiracy and that she was hot. I said I could fix that and turned on the air conditioning when she went off on me screaming that I didn’t need to make sexually suggestive comments to her which stung as if she had smacked me because during our brief friendship, I had made sure i treated her with respect and dignity. I got angry and snapped at her saying just that and that I didn’t deserve that kind of bullshit. She then said I could just drop her off anywhere and didn’t have to take her home. I asked her what she would do, where she would go and how she would get home if I just dropped her off and she asked why I cared and then told me I should just do it and stop playing games with her. I calmly explained that I cared about her and that’s why I was asking, I wanted to make sure that she was ok and I would take her home.

    As we got closer to her house and she began to recognize the area, she asked me not to take her home right away, so I told her I would find a place to stop and we could talk. As I was driving to the spot I intended on taking her, she told me she wanted to go to the hospital and asked me to take her to the hospital. At this point, I was relieved because this was my way out and it would allow me to exit stage left without causing any direct pain. Casually, I asked how long she thought she would be in the hospital this time and she said three days to a week and then immediately followed up with stating she could have visitors and then asking if would I visit her. I was taken aback, because this was the opposite of the attitude she was displaying before.

    I changed course to take her back to the emergency room where I had dropped her off two days before and as we began to get closer to the facility she asked me where I was going and I told her the ER. That’s when she said I was going to the wrong hospital and she wanted to go to the other one. Suddenly, the reality of the decision she had just made manfiested in my brain and i changed course again to get her there. As I turned a corner she said she had to go to the bathroom and I told her I would stop at the first place I could. Fate seemed to work against us as we caught every traffic light between our location and the McDomalds where she could pee. I apologized as I explained I was doing all I could as fast as I could to get her to the restroom and she looked at me, smiled and said she knew that. After she returned to the car from the restroom break we drove on to the hospital, getting there shortly after sunset.

    The first morning after we met, when she was sober, she told me a story about how she had been raped in rehab by the psychiatrist who was overseeing her case. As proof she told me what to Google to find the news stories and while she was in the hospital, I did just that. It was all true and she wasn’t the only one, but she was the one with the courage to seek out lawyers and take action against the sick doctor. It happened at this facility and the negative emotions she experienced over this looked to overwhelm her. I quietly asked if she wanted me to go in with her and she snapped at me saying yes, that’s why she came. So when we approached the doors, the doors were locked and you had to call and talk to he receptionist who informed me that if I came in with her, I had to stay until her intake was done or she was denied admittance. I hesitated because that’s a scary proposition, but I had told her when she said she would sober up that I would help and support her through all of it and I try not to lie. When we got in to the lobby, I helped her to a chair and went to the receptionist and got the medical forms they needed to have completed but she couldn’t fill them out since she lacked her glasses which were necessary to read and fill then out. So I asked her questions and wrote down her answers until I got to the In Case Of Emergency section and when I asked, she said to put mine, if it wasn’t too much trouble. I smiled and told her it would be fine. I had her sign the form and returned them to the receptionist just as the nurse in charge came over and began taking her vitals for admission. They gave her a oral intoxication test and began asking her medical questions. I didn’t see her BAC and should have asked to see it because this far, I had indicated she had not had that much to drink. I was wrong. |She was so intoxicated that they called an ambulance and sent her back to the emergency room at the hospital. I exited stage left as the paramedics loaded her in to the ambulance.

    I had fully intended to call her in Saturday, but I ran in to.my buddy Jon who.i hadn’t seen in about three months and in the excitement of running in to him, I lost track of everything else and to be honest, I had to decide if I truly wanted to continue to be involved in what had up until this point been a proverbial train wreck. The sting of some of the things she said and or implied on Friday had initially left a sour taste in my mouth and when I woke up on Saturday the taste had switched to bitterness. I also wanted to give her a day or so to get settled in and get to the point she was in her right mind or as close as possible to that state before I called so that when we talked she would be rational and sane. I called the hospital this morning looking for her and was told she was no longer a patient which means she more than likely checked herself out again, which I am not sure how she managed that since the rehab placed a psych hold on her since she said she was trying to drink herself to death. Since I haven’t been hanging out with Leprekon, she wouldn’t be able to find me yesterday or today and I am not sure when I am going to go and hang with him again which means I won’t see her. I had intended to visit her when she was in rehab, as she asked me when we were driving to the facility. Then she asked me again when we got to the facility and had just parked, before we got out of the car and again when I had finished the paperwork. I sort of felt like she was honestly wanting to sober up and detox so that she could manage the addiction with counseling and therapy or Alcoholics Anonymous instead of her current pattern of drinking and hospitalization and release and repeat. During the intake she listed multiple serious health complications that would be exacerbated by the heavy drinking and those combined with the fear that came from her blacking out and being unresponsive from drinking too much or the opposite, detoxing are too much to handle.

    It was partially a test, not calling yesterday, to see if she would seek out my phone number since it was in the in case of emergency form and she could have asked the hospital for my number. My friend Mykl reminded me yesterday morning that this kind of communication is a two way street and that if it is one sided, that one should evaluate the benefits and rewards from the relationship and weigh them against the penalties and costs. At this point the potential drama from associating with her and the fact that she seemed to sleep most of the time she wasn’t drinking and the times when she was sober and conscious seemed to revolve around finding the next drink. Sure, it’s the typical behavior of an alcoholic and if she had of contacted me, I probably would have continued to try and support her in rehab. Since she hasn’t tried to, I will cut my losses and move on. Even if she is incredibly attractive and a joy to be around when she isn’t drinking and isn’t being consumed by the demons that drive her to drink.

    See, at one point while all this was going on, I went through the Captain Save-a-ho fantasy where it was like Pretty Woman and I would help her through rehab and somewhere in the future we would tell the story of how we met and I helped her through her alcoholism and she helped me through my depression. I stopped trudging through life wishing it would end and she stopped staggering through hoping to end it. There’s a little sadness that the fantasy has been shattered by the reality of the situation and it makes me wonder if she didn’t know when she told me to take her to rehab that she had drank too much to get admitted and expected to get rejected without realizing hey vitals would be so wonky that the rehab would send her to the emergency room to ensure that she didn’t have complications that would ultimately kill her. I realize how pathetic this entire scenario makes me look, I’m not proud that I am so desperate for an honest and legitimate relationship of some sort. It frustrates me seeing others that have them while I am so lonely and it’s been an incredibly long time since I had that physical and mental connection to another human and the emptiness from the lack of that kind of relationship aches like a freshly extracted wisdom tooth and when I think about it the void I feel in my soul just makes me feel worthless. Suddenly, I question why I trudge on because the loneliness acts like an accelerant making the pain from the reality of my current situation explode in pain and despair. What makes it even worse is that I know couples who seem to stick together even though one is abusive and the other a cheater and they still stick together and it makes me wonder when or if I will ever find that. Not the abuse or cheating, rather when I will find the commitment where the loyalty to me and the resilience of the relationship binds us together so that it is like us against the world. When we parted company on Friday, I figured I would do exactly what I did in some warped version of the whimsical addage that if you love something, set it free and if it comes back to you, then it’s yours and if it doesn’t it never was. The only problem is there is another version that says if it doesn’t then hunt it down and kill it but that isn’t how I think and operate. I’m a romantic not a psychopath or sociopath and while I may have a lot of shit going on in my life and days like today where the skeletons beating on the closet door seem to be on the verge of breaking free, I know that things can change at anytime for the better and my current emotional state is directly related to being hungry, lost sleep and dwelling on my own situation. Thus is life with anxiety, depression and chronic pain. Sometimes it is a very real struggle and there is no shame in desiring a partner, someone to travel through the ups and downs with you.

     
    • slartyblog 11:16 pm on May 13, 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Wow; that was long and filled w/many typos! I’m betting MWR already said something very like the following to u; but Dude! She got piss on ur car seat/u live in ur car! That would have been end of story for me. Look what the cat drug in!

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      • slartyblog 11:29 pm on May 13, 2018 Permalink | Reply

        BTW: It’s really unclear whether she drank the 1st day u met her/talked w/her all night.

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        • Old Guy Student 2:30 am on May 14, 2018 Permalink

          Yeah, I need for use a better editor that has actual spelling and grammar checking like Microsoft word. I would rather have unintentional spelling errors then the intentional substitution of a single letter or number for words that is often used by millennials when texting. The curse of having fat fingers and the fact that auto-correct hates us are the source for the most egregious typos. I have refrained from pointing out your spelling and grammatical errors that randomly occur in your blogs because it’s just not important to me to point them out to you.

          Her pants were wet and the seats are leather, so while she was sitting on the seat it wasn’t wet enough to really do any damage. It’s one of these situations where i probably could have reacted as you suggested with no negative ramifications but then I would have to live with myself for that decision. Either you accept that addiction is a mental illness or you see it as just bad behavior. If it’s a mental illness then acting with anger in a manner that potentially punishes the person for their actions is morally wrong when the person has little or no control over their actions. If it’s just bad behavior then you can feel free to punish them for their actions. Considering that she was an addict and that everyone she had met since becoming homeless had taken advantage of her by stealing her possessions or taking her ATM card and using it at their will to several who took advantage of her sexually, I wanted to be as far from that as possible. I wanted to be the one person in her life who didn’t do things for her for what they could get in return, rather I wanted to be that one person she could trust to always treat her with respect and dignity. In the end, even though it has turned out the way it has, if presented with the same situation from the beginning there is very little of my own actions and words that I would change because I know that I didn’t do anything that I should be ashamed of and there is nothing she can say that I would be embarrassed about.

          One last comment about her wet pants, I had two kids and we raised my son without using disposable diapers until the very end of his potty training. Using cloth diapers tends to present more exposure to their bodily wastes. While it’s not something I want to be exposed to, it’s not something I am squeamish about and I think that’s typical of parents. My kids have vomited on me. They have urinated on me and I have had their fecal matter get on me as it leaked out of the diaper and through their clothes.

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        • slartyblog 3:33 am on May 14, 2018 Permalink

          “With regard to addiction, enabling means to accommodate the addicted individual in order to protect them from facing the full consequences of their drug use”
          https://drugabuse.com/library/are-you-an-enabler/
          “But then again, you’re not to blame; you’re only human; a victim of the insane.”-John Lennon in the song Isolation.
          I make a distinction between blame-not blame and have-around not-have-around their 2 different dichotomies. Essentially; I DO NOT GET PAYED TO LISTEN TO DRIVEL, and any1 who tries to play me finds this out quite soon.
          Baby’s can be excused. I baby-sat for a living for about 5 years; got plenty of piss/shit/vomit. Baby pissed in my face 1ce. Water under the bridge; but this grown woman; essentially; pissed herself, then felt no remorse for getting piss on ur car. I THINK U GOT TOTALLY SUCKERED!

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        • Old Guy Student 6:44 am on May 14, 2018 Permalink

          There is always the possibility that I didn’t get played and if that turns out to be the case, it will sting a little but in the end I am not sure that there is much in my behavior that I would change other than not be the enabler for her to drink. I will be totally honest and at one point the reason for acquiring the alcohol was to increase the positive vibes and potentially prolong the encounter. In other words, I realized after the first alcohol that I scored for her that I was enabling her because she asked for more and then more. So when she was released from the hospital and I purchased the beer for her, I didn’t realize she had already drank more than enough. It’s not really something I had actually had to deal with before.

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        • slartyblog 7:19 am on May 14, 2018 Permalink

          OK. I really think u may b too friendly for ur own good tho.

          Like

        • Old Guy Student 2:44 am on May 14, 2018 Permalink

          Re-read, she drank the first day and then detoxed the second. The worst part is that I enabled her because I allowed her to talk me in to acquiring the alcohol for her and I explained to her after she got out of the ICU that I wouldn’t do that again.

          I tried to make all.of the blogs about her take a passive tone because there is a lot of emotion involved in this topic because I grew up with alcoholics all around me. It’s probably at the root of why I don’t drink and stopped drinking when I moved in with Mykl. Two weeks before I moved in with him, one of my friends got a DUI which I am pretty sure ended our friendship. I was afraid of something similar even though I didn’t have a car and I didn’t want that mark on my record. I also tended to be exponentially more aggressive. Drink enough tequila and i can be a downright prick and that tends to expose the kid who grew up in the projects in Baltimore. So even when I drank regularly, I didn’t drink to that level because I hated having to apologize for the shit I did later when I was sober. ank to the point of being truly intoxicated was the Halloween after I moved our of the apartment with Mykl. Lisa, her step brother Jericho and I went to a party at my friends house and since she was driving, Jericho and I got shit faced.

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        • Old Guy Student 2:45 am on May 14, 2018 Permalink

          Wow, I fat fingered that reply. That should say the last time I got truly drunk. Now I have no tolerance and one tall can of beer or alcoholic beverage and I am impaired to the point I know I shouldn’t drive.

          Like

  • Old Guy Student 11:27 pm on May 11, 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,   

    Perfection 

    Everyone dreams of meeting the perfect partner in life and because of the difficulty in meeting people, our choices are often limited to the various groups of people we associate with such as those we work with, go to school with, etc. In decades past, asking a co-worker on a date wasn’t considered inappropriate and even if she said no the first time, asking again and again until she relents wasn’t an issue. Even if the initial hookup came in an empty office after the company Christmas party, where the woman got pregnant and they married because that’s what they did back in the day. There are a lot of us here who wouldn’t be here if the same rules of conduct and what’s acceptable behavior at work were the same as they are today. My mother met my father at the amusement park in Gwyn Oaks, Md when she was 18 and he was a ride operator. This is the same amusement park featured in the movie Hairspray which closed soon after they were forced to integrate.

    I have social anxiety and it takes me a while to warm up to and feel comfortable around people. Back in the day, alcohol was the magic liquid that made it all seem to go smoother but relationships founded on drunken one night stands, regardless of passion, never last. When you’re in the position I am in, meeting women isn’t impossible but the women I am introduced to, seem to have an entire cemetery in their closets and more baggage then you can carry in the largest uhaul truck. So, the longer you hang around them, the more likely that these two things will create a situation where the possibility of more than friendship is unlikely because dealing with the craziness becomes a chore.

    My friend Leprekon introduced me to this chick on Monday and we started hanging out. She has skeletons and baggage which I learned about right after we met but they seemed to be overshadowed by the bright sparkle in her soul, like I could see the person she was and could be through the haze of the reality of who she was right now. Sure, this is the same thing everyone who puts on the mantle of the Captain and while I know the odds are against me, I am a little like Han Solo and don’t want you to tell me then odds.

    It was a wild and rough two days as she spiraled and in my naivety was temporarily an enabler who then had to watch as she did things that were over the top.

    Then she scared me and a trip to the emergency room was required, where she was removed from.my car on a gurney and was admitted with a no visitor oder. When I told the story to Leprekon, he was like “I told you so, this happens all the time.”. Suddenly, I have to wonder if I am not on the verge of insanity since doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome is the very definition. So, I didn’t call her the first night and finally gave in and called to see how she was doing the second night. She sounded surprised that I had called and thanked me for calling, she sounded tired and groggy, and asked me to call back later. Ending the call by stating for me to call back. I called today and she was being released and I told her I would come and get her and she said she would meet me at the emergency room parking. When I got there she wasn’t there and I wanted about a half an hour. When i called the nurses station, she had already left which means she got out and left just left. So I left.

    She knows where to find me and I will leave the ball in her court, since she is the one in control here.

     
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