One of my favorite episodes of South Park involves cats, Kenny and drugs. In it, the drug is cat urine and they call it cheesing. Its funny because Kenny’s voice is understandable and he goes off talking about one of my favorite things, not marijuana, titties.
It is Nucking Futz. Online dating, not my obsession with them. I have been using Plenty Of Fish for several months and it is a lot like Pacific Salmon fishing has been the last couple of years: not very many nibbles, fewer bites and no catches or releases anywhere near my boat.
After reading the profiles and the comments, I just have to wonder what the hell guys are thinking sometimes. I am just as guilty albeit in other areas because I could noy message any woman and openly ask if she is ready to fuck. I am not sure of the odds and I just do not care, that amount of drama is just not something I could do.
It seems all the guys are looking for one night stand, no strings attached free sex and think they can get it by sending dick pictures. I have yet to find a chick who
Is like “you know, I didn’t want no string sex with a random guy until this dude sent me a #Selfie his penis posted to instagram and my vagina was all “like.””
Look, I am as horny as the next guy. I do not have confidence or self esteem issues and I am not horrified by myself even when I am looking at myself naked in a full length mirror. It does make me want to find the flesh colored market and put some skin color on that white paper that is my skin before ADD clicks in and I begin to question my lineage and my relation to the Pillsbury dough boys. Not good and that kind of a yeast connection could lead to alcoholism.
So for a few days I have been chatting with this chick and I wasn’t really sure how this online dating thing worked. We had been chatting via Skype and yesterday it started dropping messages. She had already given me her real first name when she contacted me with skype. She e-mailed me her phone number and asked me to text her.
For a seemingly infinite moment panic began to rise with a choatic roaring in my ears. Ok, text, I can do. So I texted her and waited. Now, I am like a five year old when it comes to waiting and I embrace it. It took her about half an hour to respond and it was like hours in my head. Like a teenager with a crush, checking for new messages even though the phone has been still and silent. Hey, I am a nerd and this makes it ok. Besides don’t act like you don’t do the same damn thing.
My biggesy fear is to come off creepy or scary. Like that she would fear being told to put the lotion on its skin or fear being sprayed with a hose. I know that for some people they think of Clarice and hope that the sheep are quiet but for me it makes me think of Dicky Roberts and I begin to chuckle like Beavis.
More nuts. Like in your face and you cannot ignore them kind. Like a scotsman on a windy ass day playing golf. She wanted to meet at the Starbucks where I do homework. For a second the panic that set in was like I lived in a single wide with my dogs and I was a hoarder. Then the panic was like being an addict at the end of a ginger where you find yourself dirty and smelling of urine in an alley at the foot of Nob Hill in San Francisco’s Tenderloin. I know this because I lived with a window that faced the alley. Oh the stories I could tell, the HBO documentaries I could make. Seriously. I didn’t experience it first hand, I just saw it with the naked eye. And I smelled it frequently. Best night in San Francisco comes after the first heavy rain of the season washes the smell of urine off of the city. If it is not long enough or heavy enough the oder is horrible.
She texts me she is worried she will have body odor in the form of stanky arm pits because she just got done teaching dance lessons. I am not sure about other guys, but a woman who dances gets an immediate +10 to all.attributes and 20 to sexy. Dunno why, it just is.
So the idea of her being sweaty and smelly from dancing could be an additional bonus.modifier like some real world sex rpg. Yeah, I know, I am a nerd and if she ever reads this I will never get to touch her titties again. Thankfully she doesn’t have ready access to my blogs and asked me to send them to her again. Hah. Not likely because she had some totally spectacular titties, was definitely purdy good at kissing even if she did taste like onions and In & Out. Still made me feel like a 14 year old boyscout and as MooSe and I jokingly sign: camping.