On the way to school today, I stopped at the 99 Cent Store to get some cereal bars, and dental picks. At the checkout line I noticed the most awesome arrangement of impulse items. I am not sure if the arrangement was totally random or on purpose, organized by corporate office plan-o-gram or as space becomes available and the right size and type of item arrives or some natural selection by various employees.
Either way it is amazing that they placed condoms next to energy shots, aspiring and a pregnancy test. This has got to be the Friday night love kit! It was at that point that I noticed the woman in front of me with 4 kids. 1 running free without a leash! Three on a conveyance built for two. Then I began looking at mom an realized she did no have a bra on and breast feeding had created an unnatural sag that screamed sexy.
Why did it scream sexy you ask? Why was the sight of her sagging breasts with erect nipples arousing? Fulfillment of purpose. Those boobies presumably were deployed to take larva to current stage of development and I think the youngest might have had a dried milk mustache as if he hadn’t been off the sauce for all that long. As an example of the woman form, she was gorgeous to me and thr simple, almost casual way she controlled and handled her offspring was pleasant to watch and for the most pary they we’re as well mannered and behaved as my own. So of course this nearly cubed the sexiness factor.
Then the snarkiness overcame me and my inner Beavis escaped, which he often does now that I have my Butthead at School. We hang out all the time and it sounds a lot like a Beavis and Butthead episode. Sometimes we listen to music and that means our adventures have a soundtrack! So, the two brands of condom were two different sizes. Well played 99 Cent Store! Build Egos, sell a larger size so men will buy them and put the normal size next to them for the women to buy. Seriously though, these two brands are used by more parents then any other national brand. Seriously.
This woman was proof. So I took her picture walking across the parking lot and as I was getting in my car I noticed how many men seemed to stop and talk to her. It was truly uncanny because I have a suspicion that like me, they were totally enthralled with the posture, demeanor, and parental skill that she seemed to exude like some sort of crazy mom karma. I watched bordering on mesmerized or hypnotized by her grace, poise and beauty. I stood there enthralled as she took of her shoes and walked to the drivers door and unlocked it to deposit her purse.
It was then that I saw the break dancing bear walking through the middle of the basketball game. I noticed this Asian guy walk over to her sandles and take a picture with his device. My mind cringed in mind numbing horror and for an instant I was struck with the worst kind of agoraphobia, a fear so strong that I almost wanted to run screaming in terror to the amazing bosom of this mom.
So as the dude walked away, I approached the Mom and asked if the guy took a picture of her shoes. She said he asked and indicated she thought he wantes to take pictures of his feet with the unspoken intimation that it was for obviously erotic reasons. And I smiled and said “I fink it’s freaky.” And then she looked at me and smiled.
In that instant all of the motherly fatigue fled from her face and was replaced by the radiance of the smile. Wow. This woman was stunning and in that instant I hoped her husband saw what I saw and felt what I felt as I turned and walked away.